2020 – Loss and Discovery

It’s been too long. I’ve neglected my writing in pursuit of other things. But most of all, I’ve been neglecting me.

I don’t sing anymore. Well, I did about 10 minutes ago – but that was the first time in almost a year.

I don’t go out anymore. Well, I suppose no one really does anymore – but I truthfully love the retreat of my home. I love my friends, but I hate having company. It’s like – my home is the one place where I can just “be”. It’s very hard for me to “just be” around other people. Even more so now.

The neverending theme of my life has been loss. Loss of income, loss of homes, loss of love, and loss of loved ones.

I lost my mom when I was six. My Aunt Dot passed away in 2009. My first husband passed away in 2011. A very close friend of mine died of a heroin overdose three years ago this December. My oldest child’s father passed away two years ago. The love of my life – the Star in my life’s movie – a man named Marion, passed away April 14, 2020. And my father passed September 16, 2020.

This thread of loss has colored my life. Tainted it. But also taught me that even in darkness there is light. I am that light. The Universal Light is in me. I am the Universal Light.

Even as hard as my life has been – and I don’t write these things for sympathy. In fact, I don’t want you to write me with your deepest condolences. I don’t want you to be sorry. I don’t want to be pitied. I’m a rock. I’m unfathomably unbreakable now. Even as hard as my life has been I’m stronger for it. I’m stronger for having known people. I’m stronger for having lost people. But most of all – I’m stronger for having discovered myself.

For the first time ever, I’m not afraid of losing. I know it’s just fact – it’s just something that happens. As Marion would say, “When I go, you can’t let it break you. You gotta keep going. You’ve got a job to do.”

I don’t know why – because experiencing such pain should cause anyone to crumble – but I feel so absolutely and totally free. My soul isn’t clenching for dear life onto anything. Is this detachment? Is this what that feels like? Well, then it certainly is an artform.

For the hardest steel to be bent and fashioned into what it’s to become – for a shard of coal to become a precious diamond – it must see extreme heat and excruciating pressure for untold lengths of time.

And so it is. There isn’t anything this Universe can give me that I can’t handle.

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